Don't Be Afraid to Feel What You Feel
There are days when I find myself thinking that I can not do this again with this child who has been struck with bi-polar. The crying, the rage, the destructive behavior . When will it stop? Then I have to stop and remind myself how she must be feeling. She must be so confused why she can not just have a normal day? She must be angry that she has to play two roles in order to survive in the world? It is so disturbing to just sit here and watch her drift into the mental state of misery. The thing is this; today is not about her today is going to be about me this is going to be about all parents who are trying to find my place in there child's life.
There is no why to describe to anyone the amount of love that you feel for a child. There is no way any counselor, probation officer, police, friend or other love one who knows the amount of love you are feeling for your child. Only you know how you feel and even if you keep telling yourself that you love your child, I'm sorry to admit that there are times that you just don't feel. You have become numb, you have started to feel things that no one should feel toward their child. Yes, there are times when you just want to throw in the towel and say the unbelievable... I quit I give up!!!
Then there is a sign of reasoning. There is a sign that maybe they are understanding their illness. You re-evaluate your thoughts, your feelings and you say well maybe today is the day. Maybe they get it. Maybe it is not too late. Maybe just Maybe my child is going to be saved. Then within minutes it is back to the same turmoil. The same stress. The same old arguments. The same old anger. It reappears when you where so hopeful and so comfortable thinking I still have them. They are still here. Those feelings that parents, family, friends or peers are appropriate because we completely love them. We would give anything to make things different. Reality is "this is life with them". This is the way it is going to be. How can we get past this. What are they going to do when they reach the age of adulthood? The thing is my friend we will never know. We can never fix what is broken.
The thing that we do know is that we still have to continue to live. We still have to love our spouses, our other children and most importantly ourselves. We can not take ownership in their decisions, their actions, their ways. We can not stop trying to be happy with the most important thing that God has given us and that is life. No matter what I must get my point across to all desperate parents who are trying to hide the discomfort in the family, the parents who are ignoring the problems and most importantly the parents who stay at home hiding because they are so embarrassed by what is happening. My point is that there is still living to do. There are still things that need to be accomplished. Whether it is in solitude, whether it is with family, friends, support groups, work etc... There is still life...It may give you feelings of guilt, of inadequateness or even just a plain failure. It is what God is unfolding. He knows what is happening he is aware and to all of you who do not believe in anything other than a higher power or just the simple fact life is life. Remember life unfolds and there is no stopping it. There is no quick way to straighten the bumps, the wrong decisions, the wrong choices. However, please be strong for that person who is struggling. If you fall apart then you are enabling them to fall apart. If you quit then they quit. If you get angry they get angry etc..Do not give them the opportunity to ever turn their illness, addiction back on you. Tell them you love them but under no circumstances will you accept what they are doing. If you feel anger...then feel it...you do not have to show anger but you are allowed to feel it. If you feel sadness...then feel...but you do not have to shed tears to them to show you love them. If you feel disappointment then feel it...however you do not have to rub that in their face...Feel what ever you have to feel...just remember it is how we react to our feelings, it is what we demonstrate with our feelings. Feelings are just that...emotions that we feel, no one can say they are right or wrong, no one can say your feeling right or wrong, however, people can say if you are reacting appropriate or not...Our actions speak louder than our words...God Bless to all.